Scott's Spiel

In roughly 12 hours I’ll be sitting at a desk in the exam hall. By then I’ll have started and should have gained about 30 marks.

As I type this I’ve been looking back at how I’ve been in the years previously. I certainly feel a bit similar to last year, today I contemplated going to the gym before my exam. Think I’m going to pass on that. Unlike last year I’m not totally convinced I’ve done as much as I possibly could’ve done. And yet, for some reason, this doesn’t worry me. I can’t explain it – I should be panicking right now.

Indeed this year I feel strongly that I must do better than last. This is the one I’ve always been told is “easy” and “nothing to worry about”. Have I taken that too literally?

I feel the need to prove to those around me that I’m not just “getting by”. I do this freqently on the wards when I act very much like the geek I am. I distinctly remember the look of hatred I received earlier this year as I managed to answer about 3 questions on my own. I do care how I’m perceived by my peers and I’m glad when they know more than I do. It makes me learn. At the same time I don’t want to been seen by those teaching us as just another blank face. Especially when I know the answer.

This week is not just proving to others that I know something important, I also need to prove it to myself. There is nothing wrong with “just’ passing but to me I feel I can do more. Maybe not, I don’t know, but this week I have a chance to see. And can I, should I do poorly, act as confident as I do? What right do I have? Such questions I’ll need to answer after the results.

More is riding on this than just my pride – my career too is in the balance. To have any chance of studying for an intercalated I reckon I need at least a B. Such a thing I have never achieved so far. Can I do it this week? We’ll see.